Another year closer to Enlightenment and yet so young and inexperienced

So, here's my first entry for quite some time. I turned 31 on July 24th. I feel that if I had kept a journal of all the events and my feelings in the past week I would have the content of a best seller :)
So, Thursday 15th July, one of the scariest and challenging days of my lifetime so far. I leave the warehouse in hope of making a change in the life of the someone special that I keep mentioning. I take his father with me as he also wants to help. We are away for approx 1.5 hours maximum, in which time we stop to try and save a small dog hit by a car. I can only give him Reiki as he slips away. I am so sad.
Upon returning it is quite clear that my friend has again tried to take his life. The following events are traumatic and life altering. I separate my emotions and do what needs to be done. I almost have to breathe for my friend as we await the ambulance. I am grateful that I have done my first aid certificate, and at the same time i am frightened of the responsibility. His life is saved. he is disappointed and angry. I understand him. I don't expect a thank you. I just want his pain, my pain and all those who are affected to be healed.
I start to feel a sense of helplessness. There is nothing that I can do to will this man to stay alive. I want to scream and cry. Instead I go quiet. I whisper in his ear that its not his time to go. He has people to help in this lifetime. I sing to him. I know that Angels are here for him and for me.
I want to write this Blog in the hope that others may read it. This sort of thing needs to be talked about. Suicide is such a big issue and it appears to me that it is kept so quiet. Is it about the shame?
The visions that I have seen in the past week have been frightening, sad and at times very harsh and disturbing. If you are hurting and feel like suicide is your only option....please reach out.

Imagine This.......

If you room in your mind to imagine this, then please take a moment to do so:

You find a person that you feel happy, alive and sexy with. You feel like they adore you and you adore them. That person offers you things that you have been trying to create for yourself for quite a long time and you feel so special and appreciated.
Then you find out that that person has tried to take their life. You feel so sad and helpless. You try to contact that person just to be told not to try and contact them again for a couple of weeks. In that couple of weeks time you are suppposed to be together on beautiful white sands in beautiful warm weather, having fun and relaxing and getting to know each other more.

Then you lose your job, your home and any security that you thought you had. The last person that you loved and they said they loved you is apparently a potential risk to you are lead to believe they may even attempt to kill you. You also find out that they have had sex with a person that you trusted and confided in as a special friend.

Then you realise that this is your chance to make a difference in one persons life in particular. You don't sleep for days on end and you are nervous and emotional, but you think that you know what you need to do. You collect every bit of energy that you have and pack up everything that you have left. you call on the help of friends, family and even strangers to do what you think is the right thing to do.

You hug your family (cats and dog) goodbye and you get into your car and drive for 1060km. You really have no idea what you will find at the other end, but you really hope that you can make a difference.

Every day you are told new things that tear you apart and diminish your faith in your dreams and desires. You feel every feeling that you could ever imagine and at the same time you are often so numb from the pain and hurt. Every day is the same and you try your hardest to be strong and do what is right. you think that the other person that you are loving more and more every day is unable to make the right decisions for themselves, and at the same time you know that you cannot make them see the world through your eyes and you know its not right to try to make them do so.

So, every day you ask for guidance. You can't help but want them to love you back and you feel so hurt and rejected when they can't even step outside of their own world for a moment when you so desperately want them to hold you and tell you that everything is going to be ok.

Then you realise that you are an angel and at the same time you are so human that you do have expectations. Then you spend time beating up on yourself for being human and having needs. You also realise that its highly possible that what they are doing or saying to you is in fact the most loving thing that they can do at the time.

You are with at least 3 other people for 2 weeks, everyday. 3 in particular are speaking another language most of the time and you realise how left out you feel. You want to scream, you want to cry, but you know you have to try harder and harder every day to seperate yourself emotionally and move on as you are not helping the person who needs the most help, and in the end the only one that you can truly help..............YOURSELF.


Maybe this is your story also, just told in a different way.

Where is the Love?

Do you wonder what love is, and whether you can ever find the kind of love that you are looking for?
Even if you do find that supposed love, is that what you really want and will it be enough?
What if someone tells you the truth and you feel like you will die from a broken heart or broken promises? If that is LOve, then why don't I understand. I want honesty. I get honesty and yet I still search for love, thinking i haven't found it yet.
Human conditioning, dreams, societies expectations, unrealistic role models etc. They are all contributing factors in the way that I see love and the way that I show love.
What if being loved doesn't even come in the form of an intimate relationship with another? What if it comes from the feeling created when you see an infant sitting with her grandmother in a restaurant? There may be 70-80 years age difference, but there is an unspoken love that pulls the strings of my heart. Does that little girl have an inner knowing that one day she be just like that little old lady sitting with her?
So, where is the Love?
For me, the love is:
A baby staring at her own hand in total wonderment of her fingers that move and curl over.
A movie that touches my own feelings and thoughts of love, passion, sadness, grief, wonderment and excitement.
Its the magic of being alive and realising this.
A friends smile, hug and happiness to see me.
The warm sunshine on my face.
A wave that crashes onto the shore and then pulls back, almost as if as an act of compassion and humbleness saying "I am grand and may take you at any time, but today you stay here on earth".
A mothers care and worry for her daughters wellbeing.
The thought that I can make a DIFFERENCE in at least one persons life and even in my own life.

On the wings of Love, Sharna xxx

Milo, saunas and PacMan

Today is another day filled with certainty of one thing....... conversation, consistency, cups of Milo for the milo boy and caramel sunrises. Not that I know about the sunrise as I awake, but more so I see the sun rise and my eyes are finally closing at 7am as my head touches the pillow. Every day I feel a sense of hope that the man I love may take a baby step and create enough space to shift the energy that sits so still and similar every day. Then I walk at North Wollongong. I have memories there with Richard. I remember staying at the Novotel, sitting on the balcony and looking at the beach as I waited for him to come home. Then when I arrive back at the warehouse, my temporary residence which is really the set for "Big Brother" it would seem I discover that today is different. We go to Beton Park where Chuen Yan, Andy, Andrew and I spa and sauna. We do that so that we can use the showers. Could you ever imagine paying $5.20 for a shower? LOL :)
PacMan is my highlight of the evening, and as 2am rolls on we put another dvd on, "Under the Tuscan Sun".
Good night/morning xxx

another day of sunshine

Today is a remarakably warm day. I go down to Kiama again and spend time with my friend Donna, Kyle and the kids (Jordan and Khan). We go to the beach where the kids play and walk. We listen to a circle of drummers. The beat is tribal and grounding. Donna and I want to have a go at putting out some sounds, but are too afraid to ask.
Then the boys go to the gym and the girls indulge in a gorgeously yummy ice cream.
Mum calls and its nice to hear her voice and at the same time I don't know what to tell her. I feel a little lost when I stop and think about where my life choices are taking me. This is fun and exciting and most of all adventurous, and at the same time I feel a little unsettled.
Tonight I watch 2 movies with Kennie, Andy and Andrew. Its 2.34am and I am still wide awake. I lead two lives of different time zones, almost. I stay up at night with kenneth and then I arise to be down at Kiama and spend time with my friends.

The Big "guess What" at Coffs harbor, NSW
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Kiama, NSW June 2004
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Coffs harbour, NSW Road trip June 2004
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Astro Boy and Yabbie!!
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Me&kenny
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My life as a Gypsy

Today I found myself in the company of all that I am not and all that I have not. Amongst the backdrop of a Coastal town I play and laugh with children and friends alike. I observe the new born and the families. I browse with friends at all the beauty of material things. Things made of cloth, of tin, of handmade materials and even things of plastic and cheapness. The majority are made in an overseas country. I find myself wanting to lay my head on the pillow with the beuatiful gold materials and tiny mirrors. I want to indulge the senses with a beautiful picture of two Kenyan woman laughing and carrying baskets and robes of colour on their heads. I smile at my day before. I share a bed with my sweet friend and we stay awake for hours giggling, giggling like little girls with no consideration for being seen as silly. Today the sun shines and the skies open up to reveal the most magical blue and white clouds. The sun warms my heart and body and the company that I share warms my heart.
Gypsy I am, happy I am. xxx